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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Rural Terminology

Rural terminology

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: the small rodent that eat's the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What hold's the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: the person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: the bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: the neighbour who keep's borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing end's up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Cunning

Sent: Friday, March 23, 2007 4:17:19 PM

SOMETHING FUNNY FOR FRIDAY!!!

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me.
Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

Slow Down Culture

Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2007 17:23:07 +0800

An interesting reflection : Slow Down Culture
Author Unknown


At Swedish company, Volvo, any project here takes 2 years to be finalized, even if the idea is simple and brilliant. It's a rule.

Globalize processes have caused in us (all over the world) a general sense of searching for immediate results. Therefore, we have come to posses a need to see immediate results. This contrasts greatly with the slow movements of the Swedish. They, on the other hand, debate, debate, debate, hold x quantity of meetings and work with a slowdown scheme.

At the end, this always yields better results.

Said in another words:
1. Sweden is smaller than Thailand
2. Sweden has 2 million inhabitants (8% from Malaysian Total Population).
3. Stockholm has 500,000 people.
4. Volvo, Scania, SAAB , Ericsson, Electrolux, are some of its renowned companies. Volvo supplies to NASA.

The first time I was in Sweden , one of my colleagues picked me up at the hotel every morning. It was September, bit cold and snowy. We would arrive early at the company and he would park far away from the entrance (2000 employees drive their car to work). The first day, I didn't say anything, either the second or third. One morning I asked, "Do you have a fixed parking space? I've noticed we park far from the entrance even when there are no other cars in the lot." To which he replied, "Since we're here early we'll have time to walk, and whoever gets in late will be late and need a place closer to the door. Don't you think?" Can you imagine my face.

Nowadays, there's a movement in Europe named Slow Food. This movement establishes that people should eat and drink slowly, with enough time to taste their food, spend time with the family, friends, without rushing.
Slow Food is against its counterpart: the spirit of Fast Food and what it stands for as a lifestyle. Slow Food is the basis for a bigger movement called Slow Europe, as mentioned by Business Week.

Basically, the movement questions the sense of "hurry" and "craziness" generated by globalization, fueled by the desire of "having in quantity" (life status) versus "having with quality", "life quality" or the "quality of being". French people, even though they work 35 hours per week, are more productive than Americans or British. Germans have established 28.8 hour workweeks and have seen their productivity been driven up by 20%.
This slow attitude has brought forth the US 's attention, pupils of the fast and the "do it now!".

This no-rush attitude doesn't represent doing less or having a lower productivity. It means working and doing things with greater quality, productivity, perfection, with attention to detail and less stress. It means reestablishing family values, friends, free and leisure time. Taking the "now", present and concrete, versus the "global", undefined and anonymous. It means taking humans' essential values, the simplicity of living.

It stands for a less coercive work environment, more happy, lighter and more productive where humans enjoy doing what they know best how to do.
It's time to stop and think on how companies need to develop serious quality with no-rush that will increase productivity and the quality of products and services, without losing the essence of spirit.

In the movie, Scent of a Woman, there's a scene where Al Pacino asks a girl to dance and she replies, "I can't, my boyfriend will be here any minute now". To which Al responds, "A life is lived in an instant". Then they dance to a tango.

Many of us live our lives running behind time, but we only reach it when we die of a heart attack or in a car accident rushing to be on time.
Others are so anxious of living the future that they forget to live the present, which is the only time that truly exists. We all have equal time throughout the world. No one has more or less. The difference lies in how each one of us does with our time. We need to live each moment. As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

Congratulations for reading till the end of this message. There are many who will have stopped in the middle so as not to waste time in this globalized world.

Correct Way to Arrest a Terrorist

Correct Way to Arrest a Terrorist

Friday, March 16, 2007

The Cowboy

The Cowboy and the Yuppie

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Oz joke - The Cork

The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne, when one notices that the other has a huge cork
stuck in his arse.

If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my arse."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along Russell Street And I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Captain Ozzie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

God Bless Australia

Unbridled progress causing supernatural beings to roam

The Star, Thursday March 15, 2007

Unbridled progress causing supernatural beings to roam

KLANG: A religious teacher says that uncontrolled development is one of the reasons behind the increase in mysterious sightings in recent times.

Ustaz Safuan Abu Bakar, who also runs the Nurul A'la Collection Museum in Kuang, said "supernatural beings" were chased out of their homes when land was cleared for development projects.

"These things 'live' in trees and hills, which are chopped down and flattened for development.

"So, with nowhere to go, they roam around and are seen by people," said Safuan, who is also a Sufi master.

It was reported in a Malay vernacular daily last month that staff members and children at the Subang Jaya Municipal Council Child Development Centre in Bandar Sunway were frightened by "ghostly" sightings.

A fireball and a small white figure were captured on CCTV installed by the Malaysia Paranormal Seekers Team (Seekers) at an exhibition on mysterious events in December.

According to Safuan, these "supernatural entities" also appear to those who deny their existence."

"They are telling us that they, too, are God's creations," said Safuan.

He urged the public to respect the dwellings of "supernatural entities" and acknowledge their existence.

He advised developers as well as those encroaching into areas that were potential homes of supernatural entities to consult a paranormal expert to appease the spirits.

"The expert can communicate with the entities and ask them to move out from the area for development to take place," he said.

Safuan also said that people should not abandon traditional practices which acknowledge the existence of these entities.

"These practices should not be completely wiped out," he said, as their absence could contribute to the increase in 'sightings.'

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Is computer science dead?

Is computer science dead?
March 13, 2007 - Sydney Morning Herald
IT professionals are too good at their jobs and now no one needs them. Lia Timson looks at the future of CSci.

CHATHRA WICKRAMASINGHE has just completed a four-year honours degree in computer science. You would think her family would be proud. But they didn't want her to do it.

"My family and friends were saying, 'You will not get a job.' They said if I got one I was going to be a programmer's secretary, not a programmer," she says. "But I stuck with it. I wanted to prove to myself that I could really do it.

"And I did it," she says excitedly on her first paid lunchbreak. She struck an IT graduate position in software programming at Centrelink in Canberra.

But such stories may become rare because some say computer science as a vocation is dying. In a recent article on the British Computer Society's website, computer science lecturer Neil McBride from De Montfort University in Leicester says there's a crisis in university computer science departments ( see related story).

Dr McBride says the arrival of high-level tools means vastly complex applications for business, science and leisure can be created without the coding, logic or discrete mathematics skills taught at universities.

Of course, the lack of IT students may be a hangover from the tech wreck.

Ms Wickramasinghe's course mate at Victoria's La Trobe University, Binh Nguyen, accepted a PhD offer to research artificial intelligence in gaming. He transferred from a commerce and science degree at Monash University to follow a path focused on IT.

"Before we finished our degree, we heard many people talking about how few opportunities there were and how hard (the job market) was," Mr Nguyen says.

"Then, when we graduated, people were talking about how there were job offers. A large number of my friends have all been offered really good jobs in the industry."

He chose computer science because it allows him "to take my thoughts and create something that works".

While Ms Wickramasinghe, Mr Nguyen and their classmates have benefited from their persistence, hundreds of undergraduates are ignoring computing as a career, despite Australia's increasing dependence on technology, a national IT staff shortage and society's infatuation with gadgets.

The broad trend is drifting down. Tertiary enrolments are at a seven-year low at NSW universities - with a similar downturn recorded in Victoria and Queensland - regardless of institutions' efforts to attract students and some isolated increases in this year's intake.

Heads of IT schools blame the decline on the dotcom bust and the reluctance of parents to picture an IT future for their children.

At the University of Technology, Sydney (UTS) offers are down 13 per cent compared with 2006 and 3.4 per cent lower than in 2001. The University of NSW, Macquarie University and University of Western Sydney IT courses experienced drops of 31, 23 and 21.5 per cent, respectively. The only NSW university to buck the trend was the University of Wollongong with a 32.8 per cent rise in computing applications. It introduced multimedia and games majors to its computer science course this year.

In Victoria, where official figures aren't yet available, Monash University reported a rise of 25 per cent to 2075 applications for its bachelor of IT & systems - well down on the 5800 students in 2002. Swinburne University of Technology says enrolments are down "a few per cent overall", but women account for only 15 per cent (19 per cent last year).

"Apparently we did OK for our business information systems course and the double degree with business - business seems to be the new arts," IT lecturer Catherine Lang says.

"Both raw numbers and proportional percentages are down. The pipeline (from high school) has halved. (Information communications technology) faculties still go to secondary schools to talk to ICT students, yet only 5.8 per cent of total VCE (Victorian Certificate of Education) students did an IT subject last year," she says.

Jenny Edwards, president of CORE - the peak body of computing science departments in Australian and New Zealand universities - says Australia's problem is not unique. It is shared with other English-speaking Western nations that have in recent years lost outsourcing contracts to countries such as India. British and American academics are also worried.

"I don't think (computer science) is dead at all but we are having a lot of problems," says Professor Edwards, who is also professor in the IT faculty at UTS.

"The industry is absolutely starved for staff, but after the dotcom bust prospective students and their parents said there was no future in it. "People forget our lives are now digital - sure there are tools that automate some of the (software) writing and some of the work is being outsourced to Asian countries, but still there is a demand for computer experts and now there are not enough graduates."

John Crossley, retiring professor emeritus in the IT faculty at Monash, agrees with Mrs Lang and Professor Edwards. Monash recently shed 70 jobs in its IT department.

"Neither I nor my colleagues expect the numbers to go up again," Professor Crossley says.

"There's been a huge downturn in IT enrolments across Australia and the world.

"In the 1970s, mathematics enrolments started dropping; in the 1990s maths and physics were down again, but the scale of the drop in IT is unprecedented."

It is difficult to comprehend the drop given Australia is a country where the average internet-connected household owns nearly a dozen technology devices, nine-year-olds program robots at school and three-year-olds begin computer skills training in day-care centres.

Doesn't it follow that the industry will need skilled workers to design, build, program and maintain the hardware, software and infrastructure to slake our thirst for technology?

Professor Crossley doesn't think it's that simple. He believes the young's infatuation with technology does not extend to learning the discipline of computing.

"The fundamental problem in general, and in universities, is that people don't distinguish between using devices and studying. It's like a car, we can all drive it but not many will drive it in a grand prix."

Professor Edwards says the young "take the gadgets so much for granted these days".

"They don't realise the science that is needed behind to make them work, to shuffle and arrange songs by artist, for example," he says.

"Many see computing as word processing and spreadsheets. Sure, you can use a spreadsheet to build a financial module but not to build a networking system or a banking database."

Professor Emeritus John Debenham, director of the computer science board at the Australian Computer Society, says the drop has been in demand and not in interest.

"The disconnection is that (students) are very worried about paying back their HECS fees and some school kids are thinking (they had) better choose something else (as a profession)," he says.

"But the message is clear - get some component of computing into your first degree. People are cancelling projects because they can't get the (number) of people they used to."

It is possible, too, that students have tasted enough IT in their upbringing to want something different at tertiary level.

Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology IT professor Justin Zobel sees a mix of trends driving a wedge between computer science and prospective students.

"I don't share the view that the discipline is dead," he says. "I do see that the factors for choosing it today are different.

"Twenty to 30 years ago, very few students had used a computer before university. IT was a science-fictional concept - this all-mighty and powerful thing that allowed people to create things like robots. Today, students come in having used computers since the age of three; they were six when Windows 95 was rolled out. (They don't) see themselves creating a new culture or new technology, only working the technology that is already there."

And that is the crux of the problem. All the off-the-shelf, do-it-yourself and managed services have created a well-worn and safe rut. It is easier to follow than to innovate, to take risks.

The future rests on deeper, not broader, science, say the likes of Mark Looi, head of the school of software engineering and data communications at the Queensland University of Technology.

"Some of the newer aspects of IT are more prescriptive; they require less innovation. Computer science is more cutting edge," Professor Looi says.

The university offers a general IT overview in the first year of its technology degree, branching into business analysis, software development, system administration and computer science. There are 40 students in computer science, down from 200 15 years ago.

But Professor Looi still believes there is a market for purists. "There will always be a need for computer scientists or technology will stop advancing," he says.

"It will only advance on what has already been invented. We still need people to create, but possibly not as many as we needed before."

Time to get with the program, quit flogging that horse

Time to get with the program, quit flogging that horse
March 13, 2007 - Sydney Morning Herald

British academic Neil McBride says computer science could be a dying discipline.

WE ALL know there's a crisis in university computer science departments. Student numbers are dwindling. A view that IT is a job for geeks and social misfits doesn't help. Even the value of the research base is being questioned. And the problem's global.

It's tempting to hanker after the glory days when computer science ruled, students flocked to a leading-edge discipline and the income from computer science subsidised other departments. We long for the days when programming was exciting and leading-edge, when distributed computers were being created and there were uncharted vistas of applications to be written. But that is the past. Today the ship is holed below the waterline.

As the ship sinks, we computer scientists fiddle on the deck. We claim, as the president of the British Computer Society has recently, that there is still a massive need for computing students. We look to games programming for our salvation, reducing a wide-ranging industrial discipline to nothing more than dismembering aliens. It's a sorry sight.

It's easy to think that the problem is that people (read potential students) just don't understand how exciting computing is and that this can be fixed by a bit of sharp marketing, slick videos and some school visits. But the students are not that gullible.

The real nature of the problem lies at the roots of the discipline. In the early days, computer science was populated by mathematicians and physicists excited at the prospect of vastly accelerated computation.

There was excitement at making the computer do anything at all. the complexities of hardware, the construction of compilers and the logic of programming were the basis of university degrees. The elements of computing are the same as 50 years ago, however we dress them up as object-oriented computing or service-oriented architecture. What has changed is the need to know low-level programming or any programming at all.

Now vastly complex applications for businesses, for science and for leisure can be developed using sophisticated high-level tools and components. Virtual robots - Zooks - can be created by eight-year-olds. Web designers build complex business sites, graphic designers build animations, accountants assemble business systems without needing to go object-oriented.

There is no longer a need for a vast army of computer scientists. The gap between academia and industry practice is a gaping hole. While academic departments concentrate on developing new computer systems, a lot of industry has moved to focus on delivering a service.


It no longer makes sense for organisations to develop software from scratch. Commercial accounting packages, enterprise resource packages, customer relationship-management systems are stable, well proven and easily available. IT departments now focus on contracts, tenders, service level agreements, training, system usage and incident management. Implementation, facility management, systems integration, service management, organisational change, even environmental audit, are the language of IT. These hardly feature in computer science courses.

So where does that leave computing departments in universities? Do we pull up the drawbridge of the castle of computational purity and adopt a siege mentality: a band of brothers fighting to the last man? Or do we recognise that the discipline is dying, if not actually deady? The old generation needs to look to a new generation, to new approaches. The jobs are in the application of technology. There is a need to be closer to the application, closer to the user.

The new computing discipline will really be an inter-discipline, working with diverse scientific and artistic departments to create new ideas.

The new computing department will draw ideas from biology, design, history and medicine and contribute a rich computing foundation to those disciplines.

As the roots rot and the tree falls, a vast array of new saplings appear. Those saplings may be the start of a new interdiscipline: new computing for the 21st century.

Neil McBride is a principal lecturer in the School of Computing, De Montfort University.

This is an edited version of an article published on the British Computer Society website in January.

Friday, March 9, 2007

WICOE Seminar - a must for all men

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)


is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES
FOR MEN!


OPEN TO MEN ONLY

ALL ARE WELCOME


Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants


The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:


DAY ONE


TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Round table discussion


REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups


LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place

instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN

YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing


HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques


REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES

& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class



DAY TWO


EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play


HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation


REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did


IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation


GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME


Hypnotized sucking aka Hypnosis Sucks

Owner-Moderator's comments :
If you are easily offended, pls watch something else otherwise enjoy!


As the tag says: people think they are having oral sex. Watch the kid on the left who just eats his donut. Guess he's a virgin... Pretty hilarious & funny

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Bungee

Bungee

Celebrity Scam - Leo Sayer

Celebrity Scam - Leo Sayer

Scottish DUI

Scottish DUI

Rubic's Cube

Rubic's Cube

Fun Word Riddle

Fun Word Riddle

Suicide Advert

Suicide Advert

Women Golfers

Date: Mar 6, 2007 8:09 PM
Subject: Fw: Fwd: Women Golfers
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

Cooking

Date: Mar 6, 2007 7:55 PM
Subject: Cooking

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Monday, March 5, 2007

Dropping by Malai Shia, sir?

Have you heard,
In January 2007, President George W Bush is visiting several Asian countries including Indonesia and Singapore.
Bush: Well Condi, is there anything you need from Singapore that I can pick up for you while I am there next month?
Rice: That's very kind of you, Mr President, but no, there's really nothing I need right now from there. But Laura will certainly enjoy the shopping there, sir.
Bush: Ah yes, she's been talking about it. Lee's wife has promised to take her shopping at the newly opened Vivocity.
Rice: I'm sure she'll enjoy a trip to Sentosa too. Especially now that the haze from Indonesia has more or less lifted. Talking of which, you're going to Indonesia too, aren't you sir?
Bush: Yes I am, and while I'm with Susilo Bambang, Laura will visit Acheh and give away a cheque to the tsunami victims.
Rice: How sweet. Would you be dropping by Malai Shia, sir?
Bush: Naw, giving them a miss.
Rice: Don't blame you, sir. They have some rough motor cyclists there. Called themselves "Mad Ram Piss" or something. They think they're the Asian equivalent of our Knievel. They would certainly scare Laura to death.
Bush: Nah, Laura is made of sterner stuff. But that's not the reason why we're not going to Malai Shia, Condi.
Rice: Oh? Then it must be their traffic jams. They even have monorails that run off the tracks and dangle in mid-air. And highway pillars that crack.
Bush: Really? Incompetent, that's all I can say. But no, that's not the reason why we're skipping Malai Shia either.
Rice: Oh I know. You don't want to distract the Prime Minister from his nap, isn't it? Heard he's getting some shitty stuff from his predecessor telling him off like a kid.
Bush: If Clinton did that to me, I'd personally throw him off an F-16. But no, that's also not the reason why we're skipping Malai Shia.
Rice: Must be the floods then, sir? It's the monsoon season now and it floods bad after just two hours of rain. Landslides too; bring down houses but then people there build 4-storey bungalows without approval.
Bush: Naw, the rain wouldn't bother us. That's also not the reason for not going there.
Rice: I give up. Why are you visiting Indonesia and Singapore, and yet not go to Malai Shia, Mr President?
Bush: The reason, Dr Rice, is that I don't want their Religious Department people banging on our hotel room door in the middle of the night, demanding to see our marriage certificate. Now THAT would scare the hell out of Laura.....

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Arguments about Jesus's origins

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature:
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit:

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

Billy Graham and Oprah

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Subject: Billy Graham and Oprah

Last year I watched Billy Graham being nterviewed by Oprah Winfrey on television. Oprah told him that in her childhood home, she use to watch him preach on a little black and white TV while sitting on a linoleum floor. She went on to the tell viewers that in his lifetime Billy has preached to twenty-million people around the world, not to mention the
countless numbers who have heard him whenever his crusades are broadcast.
When she asked if he got nervous before facing a crowd, Billy replied humbly, "No, I don't get nervous before crowds, but I did today before I was going to meet with you." Oprah's show is broadcast to twenty-million people every day. She is comfortable with famous stars and celebrities but seemed in awe of Dr. Billy Graham. When the interview ended, she told the audience, "You don't often see this on my show, but we're going to pray." Then she asked Billy to close in prayer. The camera panned the studio audience as they bowed their heads and closed their eyes just like in one of his crusades. Oprah sang the first line from the song that is his hallmark "Just as I am, without a plea," misreading the line and singing off key, but her voice was full of emotion and almost cracked.
When Billy stood up after the show, instead of hugging her guest, Oprah's usual custom, she went over and just nestled against him. Billy wrapped his arm around her and pulled her under his shoulder. She stood in his fatherly embrace with a look of sheer contentment. I once read the book
"Nestle, Don't Wrestle" by Corrie Ten Boom. The power of nestling was evident on the TV screen that day. Billy Graham was not the least bit condemning, distant, nor hesitant to embrace a public personality who may not fit the evangelistic mold. His grace and courage are sometimes stunning. In an interview with Hugh Downs, on the 20/20 program, the subject turned to homosexuality. Hugh looked directly at Billy and said,
"If you had a homosexual child, would you love him?" Billy didn't miss a beat. He replied with sincerity and gentleness, "Why, I would love that one even more." The title of Billy's autobiography, "Just As I Am," says it all. His life goes before him speaking as eloquently as that charming southern drawl for which he is known. If, when I am eighty years old, my autobiography were to be titled "Just As I Am," I wonder how I would live now? Do I have the courage to be me? I'll never be a Billy Graham, the elegant man who draws people to the Lord through a simple one-point message, but I hope to be a person who is real and compassionate and who might draw people to nestle within God's embrace. Billy complimented Oprah when asked what he was most thankful for; he said, "Salvation given to us in Jesus Christ" then added, "and the way you have made people all over this country aware of the power of being grateful." When asked his secret of love, being married fifty-four years to the same person, he said, "Ruth and I are happily incompatible." How unexpected. We would all live more comfortably with everybody around us if we would find the strength in being grateful and happily incompatible. Let's take the things that set us apart, that make us different, that cause us to disagree, and make them an occasion to compliment each other and be thankful for each other. Let us be big enough to be smaller than our neighbor, spouse, friends, and strangers. Every day, may we Nestle, not Wrestle! Please pass this one on . Peace and Blessings in Jesus' name...