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Friday, September 26, 2008

Calories Burned during X!

Subject: Calories burned during sex!



With her consent

12 Calories

Without her consent

2,187 Calories


With both hands

8 Calories

With one hand

12 Calories

With your teeth

485 Calories


With an erection

6 Calories

Without an erection

3,315 Calories



12 Calories

69 lying down

78 Calories

69 standing up

812 Calories


216 Calories

Doggy Style

326 Calories

Italian chandelier

2,912 Calories



112 Calories


1,315 Calories


Lying in bed hugging

18 Calories

Getting up immediately

36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately

816 Calories


If you are:

20-29 years

36 Calories

30-39 years

80 Calories

40-49 years

124 Calories

50-59 years

1,972 Calories

60-69 years

7,916 Calories

70 and over

Results are still pending



32 Calories

In a hurry

98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door

5,218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door

13,521 Calories

Results may vary!


Right now, as you read this,

69 Million People are having SEX!

And you're on the computer!!!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Chili Story

From: D-I
Sent: Wednesday, September 24, 2008 8:50:07 AM
Subject: FW: Chhili Story

The following reminded me of an email I received about the hottest buger in the world

A guy who ate it

Another guy who ate it

The beast on youtube

How to get there ;)
Chili story that will make you pee your pants!!

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks will fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the
Wal-Mart grocery store for some tasty breakfast and lunch tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the invisible but odorous cloud that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn In two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, But then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grandmal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the Inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch! ', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart Intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me And said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Kroger's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

- ----------------

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'


Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'


Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'



A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal


Monday, September 22, 2008

Some Humourous Pics

Click on images to enlarge

Good, Cheap & Fast

Stand Closer!

A Dog and a Beggar

Cute Drinking Glass

Do Not Sit Here

Eye Test

Go Ahead Drink and Drive

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sick of Forwarding emails

For those of you who are sick of getting emails that tell you to forward it to at least X number of people in the next 15 minutes so that wonderful things and miracles will happen if you do, or there will be serious consequences if you don't, watch this video.

This is hilarious! (and it's ABOUT TIME someone did this!)

Click here - on your speakers.......

Biscuit City

After literally tens of emails reminding us about the Biscuit City being built at Selfridges in London we decided we'd really better go and have a look instead of leaving it to the likes of the BBC and the Guardian to tell you the full story. Unfortunately Nicey was otherwise engaged so Wifey had to make the journey by herself.

After a longer than usual journey I got there about 2pm, which you'd think would be a bad move, as I hadn't had any lunch. Surprisingly though, the sight of thousands of biscuits piled up did nothing to make me feel peckish. I could say it was the lack of tea on offer to go with the biscuits, but that would be a bit of a lie as it is cunningly based beside Selfridges basement tea area. No, I think it was down to the smell of faintly going off biscuits. You know the one, when you go to someone's house and they get out a packet of biscuits that has clearly not seen the light of day for several months. That said, it still smelt better than London's underground.

But on to the Biscuit City. According to the builders there was no real plan. Chinese Artist Song Dong designed a few of the big buildings, but most of it was down to the builders to make up as they went along. I felt this was a bit of a shame, as while the buildings were great, it would've been nice to see some of London's landmarks re-created. Instead, it had the obvious things, like a random football stadium and a few suspension bridges. I'd liked to have seen the Houses of Parliament or Tower Bridge. Perhaps even Buckingham Palace made out of custard creams using their baroque markings. It did make me think "wahey, a city made out of biscuits", and to be fair, it is the best city made out of biscuits that I've ever seen, but I don't think I'll remember it like I remember the model village at Babbacombe in Devon I saw when I was about 8 years old.

All manner of biscuits and bright jelly bean type sweets have been used in the construction, but wafers seem to be the main building blocks of choice. Anything else was mainly just for decoration. I did see a fair few whole garibaldi's, but I'd have liked to have seen more use of them. I felt they had missed out on the opportunity of breaking them up and using them in kit form to build something truely great, although I can't think what would do them justice. McVities, one of the sponsers, had a fair range out on show including Gingernuts, Shortcakes, Digestives, Fruit shortcakes, Pink Wafers, Custard Creams and the often hard to find Crawfords Fig Roll. Many of the wafers were made by Loacker, an Italian company who seem to specialise in them. These seemed to have been chosen for their length as much as anything, about twice that of a pink wafer, finding their way into various bridges and arches. The Pink wafers had been used sparingly, probably they're too garish even for use as building blocks.

Ryvita crispbreads got to join in the fun, though mostly to be used as a utiliterian floor, rather than lofty skyscrapers. I was a bit miffed that there weren't any Jaffa Cakes, but maybe that's because they're a cake, and this was a biscuit thing. And they're a bit rounded on top, so probably tricky to build with. Despite it being a Chinese design I didn't spot any Chinese biscuits. Perhaps they were worried they would scare people away. I had a quick chat with one of the builders. She assured me that despite working for days on the job she had not been put off biscuits, and when the job was over she would continue to eat them. Although not too many as that would make you sick. Well quite. I would also like to reassure anyone who is thinking of going that all the biscuit builders were wearing gloves, but not hard hats or flourescent jackets.

The grand eating is at 16.00 tomorrow (Feb 22nd 2006). Free tea will be provided, and while the Press officer wasn't sure what type it would be (he was French), he was pretty sure there would be at least a choice of 2 sorts. Coffee was not mentioned by him or me. If you're in the area, it's worth going to have a look, and perhaps even join in the eating if you don't mind the odd stale biscuit.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Large Hadron Collider: End of the world, or God's own particle?

ECGMA says: Is this the cause of recent natural and economic disasters we are experiencing? Disturb the 'balance' of nature, life goes haywire. Watch the clip and read this also: Large Hadron Collider is activated.

The Cern cathedral of science may reveal the universe's secrets, or suck us into a black hole

A bewildered Cole Moreton goes in search of the science behind the spin
Sunday, 7 September 2008 - AP

Yes, but what is it? That has been many people's reaction to the furore over the Large Hadron Collider, due to be switched on this Wednesday. The biggest, most expensive experiment in history is attracting both scientific hyperbole and hysteria. Some say it will reveal the universe's secrets and lead to the elusive Theory of Everything. A few fear that unleashing unimaginable power beneath the Swiss countryside will result in the end of the world. But how? And what do all these words mean?


Is an understatement. A giant circular tunnel, with several loops, stretches for 27km under the land between France and Switzerland. One of its experimental chambers is bigger than the nave of Westminster Abbey.


The name for one of the types of particle that make up an atom. These tiny bits of energy will be propelled by giant magnets around the tunnel circuit at almost the speed of light.


Is what they will do when they meet other hadrons being beamed in the opposite direction, at the same great speed. The resulting explosion will create 100,000 times more heat than the sun, apparently. Thankfully, it will only happen for a moment, in an area a billion times smaller than a speck of dust.


Pronounced "sern". The French acronym for the European Organisation for Nuclear Research, which built the £5bn collider. The money came from 20 countries, including Britain, which has played a leading role.

The Big Bang

Is what they are trying to recreate. Or rather what happened a trillionth of a second after the universe was created by an explosion, 13.7 billion years ago. For that tiny moment, it is believed everything was molten plasma. This cooled to create everything we see around us. The hope is that by remaking the moment, in miniature, the scientists will be able to see things that are invisible now.

The God Particle

Big name, very small thing; and the first great discovery they hope to make. It is believed we have only detected a quarter of the particles in everything. We don't, for example, know why things have mass. (To get a feeling for what that is, hit yourself over the head with an inflatable hammer, then a real one. The one that hurts has more mass.) In 1964 Professor Peter Higgs of Edinburgh University predicted an unseen particle that provided mass (its official name is a Higgs boson). The hope is it will be detected for the first time. Other possible revelations include so-called dark matter, which in theory "stretches through space like an invisible skeleton".

The Theory of Everything

The Holy Grail of science. A unifying theory providing one explanation for the forces at work in the natural world, from the nucleus of an atom to the movements of the planets. Sounds like alchemy to non-scientists, but some very respectable minds believe it is possible, and that the collider may show the way.

The End of the World

Some scientists, on the other hand, went to the European Court for Human Rights to try to stop the collider being turned on. They fear it may create a black hole – which would certainly violate our rights by sucking the planet into... well we don't really know. Professor Sir Chris Llewellyn Smith of Cern says: "The chance we produce a black hole is minuscule." Which is not all that reassuring. But he adds: "Even if we do, it can't swallow up the Earth." It would be too small, and disappear in moments. In any case, they will only send the hadrons in one direction this week. The collisions start in October. Until then, at least, we're not all doomed.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Call centre conversation......

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephonepoint on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B'
fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Clickagain. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will

I have my file back again?".

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This
is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to
say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing
the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."
Operator:"Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power
failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes
and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"