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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Best Divorce Letter Ever

Dear Wife,
 

I am writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.  I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

 

These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

 

Last week you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.  You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

 

You don't tell me you love me any more; you don't want anything that connects us as husband and wife.  Either  you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more - whatever the case, I'm gone.

 

Your EX-Husband

 

PS:  Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together!  Have a nice day.

 
****************************************************************

 

Dear Ex-Husband,

 

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

 

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.  Too bad that doesn't work.

 

I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!'  Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

 

When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

 

About those new silk boxers - I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I pray it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.

 

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.  So when I hit the Lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.  Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

 

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.  So take care.

 

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife - Rich as hell and FREE!

 

PS:  I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.  I hope that's not a problem.

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