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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

PARAPROSDOKIANS

For my learned friends. Little Gems:
 
 
 
PARAPROSDOKIANS 
 
Here is the definition:
 
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous  situation." 
 
Examples:
 
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it
 
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on my list. 
 
3. Light travels  faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them  speak. 
 
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be  wrong. 
 
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how  to act in public. 
 
6. War does not determine who is  right - only who is left. 
 
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit  salad. 
 
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good  Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it  isn't. 
 
9. To steal ideas from one person is  plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 
 
10. A bus  station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my  desk, I have a work station. 
 
11. I thought I wanted a  career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks. 
 
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in  the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put  'DOCTOR.' 
 
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I  was blaming you. 
 
14. Women will never be equal to men  until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still  think they are sexy. 
 
15. Behind every successful man  is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another  woman. 
 
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy  memory. 
 
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God  doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for  forgiveness. 
 
18. You do not need a parachute to  skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive  twice. 
 
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure  makes misery easier to live with. 
 
20. There's a fine  line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get  away. 
 
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so  sure.
 
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot  first and call whatever you hit the target. 
 
24.  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
25. Change is inevitable, except from  a vending machine.
 
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any  more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 
 
27. A  diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 
 
28. Hospitality is making your  guests feel at home even when you wish they were. 
 
29.  I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of  tequila. 
 
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire,  remember that the Fire Department usually uses  water. 

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