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Thursday, October 25, 2012

English, like the camel, must have been put together by a committee

"They say" that English is the hardest language to learn (and write!),  then there is our slang!!!!
I think a retired  English teacher was bored. 

This took a lot of  work to put together!  You think  English is easy??

1)  The bandage was wound around the  wound.

2) The farm was used  to produce produce.

3) The  dump was so full that it had to refuse  more refuse.

4) We  must polish the Polish  furniture.

5) He could lead  if he would get the lead  out.

6) The soldier decided to  desert his dessert in the  desert.

7) Since there is no  time like the present, he thought it  was time to present the  present.

8) A bass  was painted on the head of the bass  drum.

9) When shot at, the  dove dove into the  bushes.

10) I did not object  to the object.

11)  The insurance was invalid for the  invalid.

12) There was a  row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too  close to the door to close  it.

14) The buck does  funny things when the does  are present.

15) A seamstress and a  sewer fell down into a sewer  line.

16) To help with planting,  the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind  was too strong to wind the  sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear  in the painting I shed a  tear..

19) I had to  subject the subject to  a series of tests.

20) How can I  intimate this to my most  intimate friend?

Let's  face it - English is a crazy language. There is no  egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither  apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins  weren't invented in England or French fries in  France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,  which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for  granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find  that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are  square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor  is it a pig..

And why is it that writers  write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce  and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is  teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One  goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,  2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make  amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of  odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,  what do you call it?

If teachers taught,  why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats  vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  Sometimes I think all the English speakers should  be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite at a play and  play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by  ship? Have noses that run and feet that  smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat  chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise  guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the  unique lunacy of a language in which your house  can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in  a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm  goes off by going on.

English was invented  by people, not computers, and it reflects the  creativity of the human race, which, of course, is  not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are  out, they are visible, but when the lights are  out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't  'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' or 'put' with 'but'?

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